I'm a loser.

10 NEGLECT DIET
20 GAIN WEIGHT
30 IF TOO FAT THEN TRY FAD DIET AND EXERCISE
40 LOSE WEIGHT
50 LOSE INTEREST
60 GOTO 10

When Kathryn and I met, I was in pretty good shape. At 170 pounds, I was a tad overweight, but by no means obese. When visiting New York City, we'd eat at all the hip and trendy restaurants, and slowly I packed on the pounds. A year later, after moving to the East Village, I discovered the magic of delivery: restaurants would bring food to you! And, not just pizza or Chinese food! Thai food! Indian food! Fried Chicken!

You can see where this is going.

On January 1st, 2007, I stepped on the scale and saw the consequences of my indulgence: 201 pounds. At 5'9" tall, I was just shy of being officially "obese."

Over the course of the next year, I transformed my lifestyle. I ate right, I exercised, and I lost 40 pounds. At 17.3% body fat and 160 lbs, I'm at the ideal weight for my age. I went from a size 38" waist to 33". I have a ton of energy, and I'm in the best shape of my life. This January, Kathryn and I took a trip to Mexico, and walked around the beach sans shirt without a trace of self-consciousness.

You can do it, too. It's not easy, but it's also not complicated. Here's how:

Start keeping a food diary. Record everything you put into your body, along with the time. Food, water, vitamins, snacks... everything. Don't bother with details like calories or grams of fat, just rough portion sizes. Include brand names, if appropriate.

See a nutritionist. It's entirely possible that this will be covered by your insurance, but even if it isn't, pony up the cash. Bring your food diary, with a minimum of three days of typical food consumption. A qualified nutritionist will do two things for you:

1. Find your Resting Energy Expenditure (REE). Nutritionists have a machine called a "calorimeter," which measures how many calories you expend just sitting around on your butt. They can then extrapolate your daily calorie needs, based on your level of activity. Armed with this baseline metabolism, they can proceed to...
2. Analyze your food diary. You may think you're eating well, but that yogurt you thought was healthy is loaded with sugar, and you're not getting enough fiber in your diet. Your nutritionist can make very specific recommendations on how to fine-tune your meals and snacks. They can recommend specific brands that are healthy yet tasty. They can also coach you on what to order when you eat out, when nutrition labels aren't so readily available.

Here's how the math works: There are 3,500 calories in a pound. Armed with your baseline metabolism rate, your nutritionist will adjust your diet so that you're in a calorie deficit. If your body burns 2,500 calories a day but you only feed it 2,000, you'll lose a pound a week. Guaranteed.

Your nutritionist will probably advise you to...

Graze. Your body metabolizes food more efficiently when you feed it five or six smaller meals, rather than two or three larger ones.

Drink more water. You know that "eight glasses a day" rule? It's not bullshit. Buy a plastic jug, fill it with 64 ounces of water in the morning, and drink it all before you go to bed at night.

Cook your own meals. If you want to eat right, you simply must prepare your own food. If you don't know how to cook, learn. It's not hard. Buy lots of disposable Tupperware containers, and pack leftovers from dinner to eat for lunch the next day. Cook large quantities of food like chili and soup, and freeze them for when life gets busy. You can't eat out every day and lose weight, no matter what Jared says.

Cheat. One day a week, throw your meal plan out the window. Don't go apeshit, but if you feel like having a Big Mac, rock on. Fried chicken for dinner? Sure. Eating the foods you love once a week will keep you from getting bored, and will throw your metabolism a curveball. Just keep a record of what you're eating in your food diary, and show it to your nutritionist during your follow-up visit. She'll let you know if you're going too far overboard.

If you can afford it, join a gym and hire a personal trainer. While, strictly speaking, you don't need to exercise to lose weight, you'll lose it faster if you do. You'll feel better, have more energy, and once you shed the outer layer of fat, you'll discover a healthy and toned body beneath. A good personal trainer can help keep you motivated, and will mix up your workout to prevent boredom.

Recognize that this is not a diet, but a lifestyle. A "diet," in the sense that most people understand it, is a temporary adjustment to what you eat. You lose the weight, and then you're done. If you want to lose weight long term, you need to eat healthy long term. Don't worry. Once you see how you look and feel, you'll never want to go back.